now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
