I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize