Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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