my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My vagina just recognized that song.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize