and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
