Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
he thought i was a dude.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I can't turn off my feet"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
