Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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