Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
