I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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