I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
