Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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