i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
