somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
