we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Randomize
