Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
