i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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