it was like his penis was on wheels.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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