I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
