All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
