I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
