She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
