I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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