this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
