I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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