you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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