You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
