in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
