in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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