I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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