see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
