i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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