yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
