My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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