I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
