In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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