I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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