He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
