I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
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