I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
