:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
