Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
