Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize