I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize