did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
