Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
