we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
