Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
