Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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