Betty ford says i'm here all night
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
