I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
