I understand why you refuse to be sober now
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
