So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize