I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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