I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
