Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
