Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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