All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
