I love how my cats smell like pot.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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