all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
